


The Keepers

by LumosLyra



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dirty Talk, F/M, Light Dom/sub, Locker Room, M/M, Multi, Not to be taken seriously, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Quidditch, Ridiculous Names for Private Parts, Spanking, Threesome - F/M/M, You've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21878242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumosLyra/pseuds/LumosLyra
Summary: When Lavender Brown desperately needed to use the loo, she never expected to encounter two Quidditch players going it at like rabbits.  It's a completely smutty, absolutely ridiculous little one shot that is sure to have you raising eyebrows and snort-giggling.  Complete and utter crack.
Relationships: Lavender Brown/Cormac McLaggen, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley/Cormac McLaggan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	The Keepers

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! This came about because of a crazy-town idea to incorporate a TON of crazy words people use for genitals in fanfiction and otherwise. We're talking like "meat sword" and "pleasure pearl." THAT is what you can expect from this fic. #justsayin

_Gotta pee. Gotta pee. Gotta pee._

The mantra ran through Lavender’s head like an annoying song on repeat as she teetered on too high heels towards the nearest bathroom in sight. She’d fled from the Quidditch stands after Potter caught the snitch in the latest Gryffindor v. Slytherin match because her bladder just had to choose _now_ of all times. She’d wanted to stay with Parvati and watch the hunky players fly laps around the pitch on their brooms but no. The two massive cups of coffee she’d drank that morning were coming back to haunt her and if she didn’t make it to a Merlin-be-damned toilet in the next thirty seconds she was liable to put a puddle on the ground that was _not_ made of the Scottish rainwater. 

Throwing open the nearest door outside of the Quidditch pitch, she rushed in, tottering past the line of urinals which clearly did not register in her mind ( _gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee)_ and shimmied her knickers down her legs before the door even closed. With a great, audible sigh she released the stream she’d been desperately holding simply thankful that she made it to the loo. 

Before she had a chance to tear off a bit of paper from the roll, she heard the sounds of flesh slapping against flesh and several, _very_ manly grunts and groans… oh! And a random squeak. 

Breathing in deeply, Lavender’s sky-blue orbs widened in shock as she very clearly did _not_ recall running past two possibly semi-naked people as she’d entered but she’d had such a one track mind. How the hell was she supposed to get out? Should she just saunter past the naked couple with a wave? Duck her head and flee? Stay in there until the sounds of copulation ceased?

A deep grunt reverberated around the room, echoing and bouncing off of the hard surfaces

_Fuck._ She knew that sound. 

That was the sound of one Ronald Bilius Weasly in the throes of passion… and here he was not ten minutes after the game had ended, when everyone was still celebrating on the field, probably fucking some floozy. Lavender’s heart dropped into her stomach and she leaned forward, resting her chin her her hand as her elbow balanced on her knee. Didn’t Ronald know she still carried a torch for him, even after all this time? She loved that redhead and his velvety, pulsating fleshwand. He was one of the best fucks she’d ever had - attentive, passionate… tumescent. 

“Fuck, Weasley. That’s right.” That was definitely not some floozy. The sound of flesh on flesh registered once more and Lavender realized it was not Ronald driving his cucumber into some floozy’s jar of french onion dip… not even close. Ronald was cleary having… _relations_ … with Cormac McLaggan. 

A tiny gasp escaped Lavender’s lips and her hand flew to cover her mouth. 

Merlin. Circe. Morgana. And all the fucking Founders. She was in the boy’s locker room. The line of urinals she’d practically sprinted past suddenly popped into her brain and she suppressed a groan. 

Merlin forbid she be found by Ron and Cormac. They’d likely never let her live it down… or they’d ask her to join them and she honestly didn’t know which one was worse at this point. She had to find a way to get out of this loo without being caught. Shaking her perfect blonde ringlets in an attempt to clear her mind, Lavender grabbed a bit of paper, wiped herself before casting a freshening spell on her kiki and shimmied back into her knickers, tugging her tight black skirt down over the lacy garment. 

With a whispered spell, she vanished the content of the toilet, not even daring to flush for fear of being discovered and slowly opened the stall door, peeking out behind the frame to suss out an escape route.

The sight did not disappoint and there was an instant flood of fluid to her loins. Cormac had Ron pressed up against a row of lockers and was currently pistoning in and out of his arse at a rapid pace, one of his brawny arms curled over the redhead’s collar bone while his other hand pressed bruises into Ron’s hip. The sight of Cormac’s taut arse as he pounded into Ron was enough to make her feel woozy. She’d forgotten how fit he was - all those rippling muscles and swoon-worthy curves. . 

Cormac ran his tongue over the shell of Ron’s ear before nipping at the sensitive lobe. “I fucking love the way you take my manhood, Weasley.”

Ron whimpered and Lavender was certain she’d never heard a sound even close to a whimper come out of Ronald Weasley’s mouth. The closest possible sound was when he realized he’d eaten all of his mashed potatoes and the elves had already cleared the tables at dinner and even that was more of a sad puppy-dog whine. 

“Less talking, more fucking, McLaggan.” Ron panted, pushing his arse back into the cradle of Cormac’s hips, thoroughly engrossed in the feeling of the other wizard’s dangly bits slapping against his own flesh covered chestnuts with each thrust. 

Lavender considered removing her shoes but wasn’t certain she would be able to scourgify a path out of the locker room in order to avoid some sort of nasty man-boy foot fungus. Godric knew Quidditch players were not the cleanliest folk. Plus, she didn’t want to chance ruining her pedicure and who knew what the mystery substances on the floor would do to her toes. Truth be told, the two Quidditch Keepers seemed rather preoccupied with themselves and were likely to not pay attention to her if she tried to sneak out. 

At least, that’s what she hoped.

Attempting to be quiet, Lavender eased herself out of the stall and began to tiptoe as best she could in her six inch pumps towards the door which would take her to freedom. What she didn’t count on was the small puddle just to the left of the stall door and the fact that her pumps weren’t quite charmed to be slip-proof. 

She collapsed to the ground with a surprised squeak, arms flailing and legs somehow ending up above her head before slamming to the ground in a distinct thud. 

The silence in the air was palpable as the two Keepers ceased all movement and turned their heads in her direction only to be granted with a full view of her lacy red knickers while she was splayed out on the ground. This had to be the worst possible day of her life. She barely made it to the loo before she burst and now she’d managed to get caught, the one thing she _absolutely did not want_ while she tried to sneak out all because boys were messy and why the fuck was there a puddle on the ground when the showers were across the locker room? She didn’t even want to hazard a guess. No matter what the mystery liquid was, she was going to convince herself it was nothing more than water. 

Water. Yes. _Just water._

“Well, hello there, Brown,” Cormac flashed her a salacious grin and wiggled his eyebrows as he leaned against the wall, balanced with one forearm pressing into the cold tiles with his meat sword still buried to the hilt in Weasley’s cave of wonders. Lavender tried very hard not to oogle his pectorals and abs but was failing miserably when she propped herself up on her elbows to look at the two men. 

No escape now. 

At the sight of Lavender, Ron grasped his own manhood, drawing slow, languid strokes along the fleshy rod remembering just how fucking fantastic it felt to be buried in her burning, silky love-tunnel. “Lav… C’mere, yeah?” He couldn’t stop the words before they were out of his mouth. He wanted that witch. 

Lavender’s eyes grew to the size of galleons as she swallowed the bolus of saliva which had gathered in her mouth with an audible gulp, causing Cormac to release a chuckle. “Nervous, Brown? Don’t you like what you see?” 

In truth, Lavender had been rather aroused by the sight of the two Quidditch players as they rutted against one another against the back wall of the locker room. The two Keepers shared similar lean, muscular builds but where Ronald was creamy and pale with a few freckles dotting his chest and back like sprinkles on home-made vanilla ice cream, Cormac was all sunkissed, honeyed skin like a perfect bit of caramel. The curls at the apex of Ron’s thighs was a darker red that the hair on his head which contrasted with the dark-blonde curls she knew were currently being obscured by Ronald’s arse, where Cormac’s shaft still happened to be buried.

She bit her bottom lip and attempted to stand, moving first to her knees - 

“I love the sight of a witch on her knees,” Cormac rocked his hips against Weasley’s arse as he watched Lavender’s poor attempt to rise with any semblance of grace. 

\- And then to her feet, attempting to balance on her shoes. She did _not_ want to fall on her arse again. With a flick of her wand, she vanished the offensive puddle and cast a quick cleaning spell on herself.

Ron groaned as he stepped forward and away from Cormac, the other wizard’s todger sliding out of his arse with a pop. He kept hold of his own hardened member as he approached the blonde witch. She looked completely delectable in her tiny, hip-hugging black shirt and dark purple blouse which perfectly showed off the pert, perky tits he knew were not charmed to look that amazing. She was as fucking delicious as he remembered and despite the fact that he longed to have Cormac pounding into his arse once more, he wouldn’t be satisfied now unless he had both of them. 

Lavender released a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding as she stood frozen while the very naked Quiddtich player stepped into her personal bubble and grabbed one of her perfectly manicured hands, only to place it on his cock. It was as soft and supple as she remembered and she bit her lip to hold back the tiniest of moans that threatened to escape. 

Escape. Wasn’t that what she wanted to do? Hadn’t she wanted to flee this Merlin-forsaken locker room and be greeted by the cold, crisp air of autumn?

The feel of Ron’s spongy loaf felt hot and heavy in her hand like a dense, delicious breadstick and she couldn’t help but tighten her fingers around his member. He thrust his hips shallowly, forcing his rod through the snug circle of her fingers and groaned out loud. 

Lavender glanced down and watched the movements, her tongue darting out to lick her lips at the sight. It was perfect. He was perfect. The tip of his tumescent manhood was dripping little pearls of precum onto her hands, rendering them sticky and slick with his essence.

“Taste it,” Cormac commanded in a deep baritone, sauntering up behind Ronald and snaking his hand around the redhead’s waist, his hand coming to rest in the dark red curls between the wizard’s hips. “You know you want to…” 

She couldn’t think straight - not with Ron’s cock in her hand, Cormac’s ridiculously sexy voice, and the ever growing slick feeling between her thighs. She pressed her legs together in a futile attempt to quell the burning ache which was steadily growing as he cheeks tinted pink at the suggestion. 

Did she really want this? The door was so far away… maybe two whole meters and it’d been a few weeks since her last tryst with Zacharias in one of the alcoves on the third floor. It honestly didn’t take much to convince herself to drop to her knees now that she’d cleansed the bit of floor they were standing on, and flick out her tongue to taste the pearlescent drops clinging to the head of Ron’s meaty tool. 

Yes. She wanted it like she wanted that vanilla ice cream topped with sprinkles and caramel. 

“That’s it, baby.” Ron crooned, pressing the tip against her lips as if begging her to open that sweet mouth that knew just how he liked to be licked, sucked, and nibbled. As if on autopilot, she parted her lips and flattened her tongue, allowing the ginger to push his member to hit the back of her throat in one, long, slow, wonderful, knicker-ruining thrust. Eyelashes fluttered as she massaged the underside of his wang with her tongue and she swallowed a moan, the contractions of her throat causing the man above her to curse. 

“That’s so fucking hot…” Cormac said from over Ron’s shoulder as he reached down through the curls to pinch Lavender’s nose, cutting off her air supply. Her mouth tightened around Ron’s cock and he leaned back into the other wizard for support. 

“Merlin, Circle, and Morgana,” Ron breathed, threading a hand into the blonde’s hair and holding her in place just a moment longer, even as her face was flushing shade of crimson from the pretty pink it had been. In tandem, they released their hold on her and she drew back, gasping and sputtering for air, curls falling like curtains around her face as she braced her hands on her knees. 

Cormac smiled, his hand drawing lazy strokes along Ron’s swollen cock as he watched the witch breathing heavily on the floor, “Just beautiful…” 

When she regained her breath, Comac beckoned her forward once more with a crook of his finger and she took Ron’s cock into her mouth. Rather than pinching her nose, Cormac caressed her cheek, feeling Ron’s cock sliding in and out of her mouth through the thin layer of flesh. “Such a good little slut, aren’t you Lavender?”

Lavender couldn’t suppress the moan at the slight degradation, her cheeks pinked - not from exertion but from embarrassment, and she felt a small gush of liquid slip from her quim to make its own path down her inner thigh. She had a feeling they could smell her arousal and that just made her ache for something to fill her even more. 

“That’s what I thought.” Cormac twirled a ringlet around his fingers before digging his fingers in and taking hold of her scalp with a grin. “Let Weasley fuck your mouth and come all over that pretty face of yours and I’ll take care of you, my lovely little whore.” 

Without even waiting for her agreement, Ron thrust into her mouth as Cormac took control of her head, whispering dirty, salacious words against the skin of Weasley’s neck between nips and nipples to the other man’s collar. He bottomed out against the back of her throat and the lightheaded feeling returned, making her momentarily see stars before her pulled back out and thrust in again. It was barely enough to catch her breath.

Moving out from behind Ron, Cormac maintained his grip on her hair while placing his other hand under her chin, his thumb holding her chin down, ensuring she kept her mouth nice and wide while Weasley pistoned in and out and over her tongue. With a few more short strokes, and another reverberating grunt, Ron pulled his dick from her mouth and released his seed over her face, the droplets of his essence staining her dark blouse as they dripped off of her chin. 

“Fucking gorgeous,” crooned Cormac as he ran one finger up Lavender’s chin and over the apple of her cheek, collecting some of Weasley’s essence on the tip. He popped the finger in his mouth with a moan, “Delicious.” 

With a sleepy blink and few panted breaths, Ron grinned as he released his softening member before gently running his hand through Lavender’s curls. “I’ve missed you and that mouth of yours, Lav…” 

Lavender nodded, all thoughts of escape completely gone from her brain. “Me too, Ron.” She beamed up at him, unconcerned with the ropes of passion clinging to her face. Her tongue darted out to clean his softening manhood while long, thin fingers trailed up his thighs to grasp the globes of his arse. 

When she finished, Cormac scooped her up in a muscular embrace and threw her over his shoulder. With one arm wrapped around her legs, keeping her in place, his other grasped the red lace covering her slick folds and ripped them from her body. The burn from the fabric tightening before it tore left a dark, red mark on the skin of her thighs and made her shiver with antici...pation of what was to come. 

Ron followed the pair to one of the nearby benches but he stopped Cormac before he set the blonde witch down. “Wait a sec, yeah?” With a grin, Ron wrapped a hand around Cormac’s and pressed a trail of kisses up the back of Lavender’s thigh. She squirmed, desperate for more. Her tight black skirt was pooled around her waist offering her absolutely zero chance at modesty. Ron chuckled at the sight of her folds glistening with such intensity they were nearly reflective. 

“She’s so fucking wet, mate.” Ron drew his tongue up the seam of her lady-volcano knowing if he continued his ministrations she would erupt eventually and if they were exceedingly lucky, her lava-like essence would drip down her thighs. Why did he let her go again? 

Lavender nearly growled as Ron’s tongue darted between her folds, “Oh Won-Won…” 

_Oh yeah._

Ron pretended he didn’t hear her moan the atrocious nickname she’d coined during their sixth year. The pads of his fingers danced over Cormac’s thick rod while his other hand drew soft circles up and down Lavender’s thighs, his face buried in her snatch. It was heaven, nirvana, complete and utter bliss. She tasted as good as his mum’s steak and kidney pie and he couldn’t help but devour her entirely. 

With the hand not holding Lavender on his shoulder, Cormac entwined his fingers in Ron’s short hair and pulled him away from the blonde’s kitty and in for a kiss. While Lavender briefly protested at the denial of pleasure, Cormac reveled in the taste of the witch upon his lover’s lips. He moaned against Ron’s mouth as their tongues battled for dominance, savoring the taste of the witch between them. 

A whine of “please” and a shift of Lavender’s hips broke them from their reverie. 

“Oh, does my pretty little slut want her reward now?” Cormac chuckled darkly before he landed a palm on the jiggly globe of Lavender’s arse eliciting a yelp from the overstimulated witch. 

“Oh fuck.” Ron found himself mesmerized as the red handprint bloomed on her creamy skin and tightened his grip on Cormac’s cock, his own dick beginning to become hard again. 

Lavender whined again with an enthusiastic nod, desperate for any sort of contact with her pussy - a tongue, a hand, a puff of air - she wasn’t picky. “Gods, yes.” She attempted to press her thighs together to quell the ache between them but it was utterly futile. Ron’s tongue had darted out again and drew through her folds from her clit to the tight pucker between her cheeks. All thoughts of what she needed simply went out of her brain as she lost herself to the sensation. 

“Make her come like this,” Cormac ordered as he stepped back slightly to lean his left side against a nearby wall. While Lavender was rather petite, holding a witch over one’s shoulder for an extended length of time still managed to make things cramp a bit. He drew a hand back and landed another crisp smack to her arse. 

With a cheeky grin, Ron muttered “Oh, I intend to.” Ron’s dipped two of his fingers into Lavender’s pool of desire as he sucked the little pleasure pearl at the apex of her thighs into his mouth. 

Lavender keened. Ron suckled. Cormac spanked. 

The boy’s locker room was filled with a cacophony of sounds as the trio took their pleasure from each other. Lavender’s orgasm crested over her like a wave crashing to the shore following a summer thunderstorm. Juices dripped down her thighs, in to the curve of the back of her knees, and eventually onto the floor. Releasing her clit from his mouth, Ron wiped his face with the back of his hand musing quietly at how completely sexy it was to know that she was still covered in his liquid luck and he in hers. 

Setting her down on shaky legs, Cormac twisted his fingers in Lavender’s hair and bent her over a nearby bench. “My turn, my sweet,” he muttered, fisting his manhood in his hand and sliding into Lavender’s English Channel. He hissed in pleasure as she tightened around him, the walls of her pussy fluttering like the wings of a butterfly from the aftershocks of her gratification.  
  


“Yes, Cormac!” Lavender keened, “Fuck me. Hard. Now.” Each word was punctuated with a rock of her lips. 

Fuck he loved a witch who asked for what she wanted. 

He wasn’t just going to fuck this witch - he intended to destroy her. He wanted her wanton and willing twenty four hours a day ready to take his salami at a moment’s notice. When he dragged her into a hidden alcove, he wanted to be able to smell his and Ron’s musk on her skin as he licked a slow line up her neck to nibble on her ear. His fortune was enough that when they graduated in a month’s time that she would never have to leave his bed. He didn’t care if he had to hex the witch from using their obnoxious nicknames, he needed her as much as he needed Ron.

With his fist grasping her hair, Cormac pounded into the witch - the swollen head of his cock meeting the spongy tissue of her cervix which each thrust, sliding over that spot deep within her that made fireworks explode behind her eyes. Her pleasured screams were like music to his ears. Fingers moved to pinch a hardened peak through the silk of her shirt and he felt her tighten around him in a second orgasm. 

Cormac shared a grin with Ron who had taken his place in Lavender’s mouth once more, silencing the witch of her words and muffling her moans. He loved it when a witch moaned around his schlong and knew Weasley must be experiencing that bliss by the look on his face. If they had time later, Cormac would ensure that Weasley was able to stick his own weasel in Lavender's meatsafe. Releasing Lavender’s hair, he grasped her hips in a bruising embrace and released his own pleasure into her twinkle cave in a few more strokes. 

Hot, thick ropes of come coated her inner walls as Ron emptied himself down her throat. It was all she could do to breathe. Stars were flashing behind her eyes; her entire body was a quivering, writhing mess, and _Gods_ was she thankful she stumbled into the wrong loo. She hadn’t been fucked like this in what felt like ages. She hadn’t known it at the time, but she needed that release. She needed both of them - their caresses, their attention, their depravity. 

All thoughts of escape were completely removed from her mind - except for possibly escaping from her dormitory each night to have succulent, sweaty, starburst inducing sex with these two somewhere in the castle. 

Time seemed to slow as the three Gryffindors came down from their high, limbs were tangled, kisses were shared, and praises were uttered. Sticky messes were vanished with lazy waves of wands, clothes were repaired and righted.

After checking her curls in the mirror to ensure each was aligned so as to properly frame her face, Lavender turned to the two Quidditch Keepers who were sharing a soft kiss. She stepped closer to them and slid an arm around each of their waists, pillowing her head against Cormac’s chest as Ron tenderly kissed her forehead. 

“Well, I suppose I’ll just have to keep both of you.”   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
